Battleship: Proving We Will Never be Free From Transformers


I just watched the Battleship trailer for the first time. Honestly, I thought for a few seconds that I was watching a spoof trailer instead of the real thing. Then I realized it wasn’t, and I laughed while dying inside.

Of course, I can only judge the trailer, which starts out with a romantic dilemma: man in navy wants to marry unidentifiable bimbo, but her father, man’s superior officer won’t let him, and man has to earn his respect. Queue Transformer coming out of ocean. What? Now, I haven’t played Battleship in a long time, but I don’t remember alien ships flying out of the grid. But it definitely would have made the game more interesting at least. Don’t know if it is the best move for a movie however.

And what the hell is Liam Neeson doing in this film? Was The Grey when you pretended to be Wolverine not destructive enough for your career? I still have faith in you, man because of your awesome voice, but you’re not giving me much!

I think I actually figured this movie out. Maybe after insulting Americans by screwing with the Moon Landing, Michael Bay wasn’t allowed to make another Transformers movie, so he posed himself as Peter Berg to slip transformers into the movie and use it as his sequel. Look world, Transformers can swim! I think they would be awesome at water ballet.

So the film industry has gone from making movies inspired by toys to board games. I can’t wait for Hungry Hungry Hippos. I already have the plot that can be accosted by Michael Bay. Hippos of Africa live in peace. And then, Transformers jump out of the Nile, and they have to deal with it by being hungry hungry and eating Transformer ass. I’d see it. I want James Earl Jones as the voice for Bubble Bum, the leader of the Hippos, and Julie Andrews for the voice of his romantic interest.

Sound ridiculous? I think I’ve made my point.


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