Star Wars Yoga

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I’m not kidding. Part of me wishes I was, and then the part of me that is laughing so hard is so happy that something so ridiculous exists. No offense to anyone who likes Star Wars. An awesome trilogy. When I say awesome trilogy, I am referring to the original trilogy because I refuse to acknowledge that the most recent trilogy exists.

But anyway, for the past couple of weeks I have been using stumble upon to find topics to write about on this blog. In case you need new ways to completely waste time on the internet, stumble upon is an awesome service. You create a profile, tell the site your interests and press the button that says stumble, and a random page on the internet that corresponds to your interests will pop up. It’s a great way to annoy your facebook friends with a bunch of random posts of pictures of celebrities sneezing.

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But to get back on track, I was stumbling and I came across a page about Star Wars yoga. I have sprinkled some of my favorites throughout this post.

Probably the best part about finding this page was discovering some person’s comment below. I’m just going to copy and paste and pray I’m not fined for copyright infringement:

Yoga is stupid. I hate yoga. Yoga is only for those preppie vegetarian bookish arsewholes who don’t really have a life and who like to have something in their life to brag about. It has been proven…somewhere…that yoga causes cancer and heart disease. I feel all yogatarians should be gathered up, a catchy emblem sewn on their clothing for all to see, and then either placed in concentration camps, electrocuted or possibly tazered to death by the corrupt police forces of the third world nations. -Just sayin’-

More powet to ya man. More power to ya. Oh, and learn how to spell. If you’d like to see the original page I stumbeled upon, here’s the url:

http://thecuriousbrain.com/?p=29395

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I was very disappointed to discover that none of these poses are inspired by the films, but are just normal yoga poses demonstrated by various Star Wars characters. To that end, I decided the world would not be right until someone came up with true Star Wars yoga. Be ready to have your mind blown.

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Pose: The Yoda’ Man!

Difficulty: So hard you have to sign a waiver before doing it

Props needed: a blow up doll of Christopher Lee, if the real one just isn’t available at the time.

Jump in the air ten feet while waving your light saber and summersault while also moving objects with your mind. If you are not using the force, you are not doing it right, and you will be charged a fine for posing as a Jedi. How dare you?

Pose: Jabba Jive:

Difficulty: if you have trouble doing this one, you’re dead. No, actually, even a dead person can do this one.

Gain about 500 pounds and just sit there. If you can get a friend to wear an iron bikini and dance in chains for you, all the better.

Pose: The Dramatic Irony

Difficulty: this one is hard if you are an only child.

Find a sibling and kiss them. Tongue is required.

Pose: The Air Traffic Controller

Difficulty: This one is near impossible, because I simply doubt anyone will do it as well as Alec Guinness.

This works best if you have a storm trooper present. Raise your right hand with your thumb, fore, and middle fingers extended. The fore finger and middle finger are together. Waive your hand in a slow and steady circle going clockwise. Repeat with your left hand going the opposite direction. Say in a monotone voice: “These are not the droids you are looking for.”

Pose: Admiral Motti

Difficulty: do not attempt if you smoke

Constrict your trachea, making it difficult for you to breath. If you can, make choking sounds. Note: a choking sound is not “I’m choking!” If you can say that, you’re not choking. After making these sounds for a moment, clutch your throat with your right hand and a table with the left. For safety reasons, have a friend on hand who can abandon you like a prick if you lose consciousness.

The Cinnamon Buns

Difficulty: Advanced. It is highly recommended that you lift weight on your head to strengthen your neck before you attempt

Place giant over sized earmuffs on your ears. Leave there.

I dare my readers to come up with their own based on their favorite movies and share them here. Damn. It’s tough to pull off an Alec Guinness impersonation in print.

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