The Unkown Avengers: I Want to See Ant Man!

I am one of those people who saw and enjoyed The Avengers even though I have never read a comic book in my life. I’m sure I’m not the only one who thought “So where is Super Man?” Don’t worry, I’ve already been corrected on that score. However, during my internet perusing, I have become very aware that there are many other Avengers that the movie did not even make reference to. So I decided to look them all up and see what the deal was for those of us who, you know, are quite stupid in this area of expertise.

Instantly when I found an entire list I discovered why not all of them were in the film. Short answer: there is almost a hundred of these freaks. A mini series couldn’t deal with them all. So now I’m glad the movie made some limitations. However, in reading some of the names, there were some that were…interesting. I have documented my favorites with commentary below. Here is the link to the complete list if you want to see it for yourself.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Avengers_members

My Favorite Unknown Avengers Based Solely on their Names

Ant Man

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I get why this guy was not in the Avengers. Just picture it. “Help, I’m in trouble! Oh look! There! Ant Man! The hero that can be squashed by a finger! He’ll save me!” Having discovered that there is indeed a hero named Ant Man, I now have the urge to go running all over my college campus screaming “Ant Man!” in you know the 50’s super hero voice. Probably because it’s final week and I’m getting kind of wacky

Black Panther

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Coming to the rescue with racial pride on his side, it’s Black Panther! But after he gets you off the train tracks he’s going to have to split so he can get to his meeting. Malcolm X cannot be left waiting.

Mantis

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Of course. This hero is a sexually objectified female. Why am I not surprised? So she has the power of fornicating and then eating her mates?

Moon Dragon

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Yo, Moon Dragon, can you score me some pot? And I know I stole your costume yesterday, but when I wore it to the Avenger drag show it disappeared. But Vision and I are totally looking for it. Anyway, nothing’s wrong with a birthday suit!  Loosin’ up!

She Hulk

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Awwwww. Someone Bruce Banner can actually relate to. And he’s such an old sole and has been so lonely. He just needs some good lovin’. I got it. Their wedding can be in Iceland (cause you know, that’s really the green one) and then She Hulk can start popping out little green dudes with anger management issues. Awwwwww.

Thing

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So, we’re talking the hand from The Adam’s Family, right? I always thought he could be a super hero. His fingers must be wicked strong after all. He can just jump on  villain’s faces and claw their eyes out—Oh, no? How disappointing. What’s wrong with inexplicably moving independent appendages?

Forgotten One

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Who was that again?

Super Patriot

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Because Captain America wasn’t enough propaganda.

Triathlon aka 3-D Man

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I have to comment on both his alias’s. So, he has the power of running, biking and swimming and pretentiously bragging about it afterwards like a douche? And he also has the power of arbitrarily raising ticket prices and over-stimulating children?

Amadeus Cho

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I love this name, because for some reason I am unaware of, I cannot say it with a straight face.

Whizzer

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My complete favorite, and the pale yellow costume with underwear that doesn’t leave much to the imagination doesn’t help. I bet I can guess what his power is!

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One thought on “The Unkown Avengers: I Want to See Ant Man!

  1. Omg I love the Whizzer. Was he supposed to be their version of the Flash? How could they /not/ have seen the misunderstandings that would arise?

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