A Guide to Summer Movies

Since I graduated from college on Sunday, the summer has just begun for me. I have started turning my attention to the movies coming out in the next few months that I would want to see and the others that I wish had never been made. And I thought, hey, I have a movie blog which I can use to force my opinion on other people! To that end, I decided to write a post in which I will instruct you what movies you should see so you don’t have to think for yourself. Aren’t I nice?

The Avengers

Image

Status: Out

Advice: See it!

If you haven’t seen it already, go. Yes, I am ordering you to, and you will thank me for it. Whether you like action, stories, characters, comedy… it’s all here. So stop sitting on your bean bag chair in in front of the computer reading pointless blogs (yes, like this one) and go see it!

Dark Shadows:

Image

Status: Out

Advice: Meh

I saw this movie a few days ago because I am a Tim Burton fan, but he really disappointed me. Sadly, this movie turned out to be a good version of Twilight. However, keep in mind I have absurdly high standards for movies, so if you just want mindless entertainment, you’ll love it.

Battleship

Image

Status: Release May 18th

Advice: DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE

Based on the trailer, it seems like Battleship is simply going to be Transformers doing water ballet. I guess if you are a mindless lemming who just gives Michael Bay more reason to jack off with his money, you will probably love this film. For those of us who demand more from their movies than just explosions and CG with no plot, avoid at all cost.

Men in Black 3

Image

Status: Release May 25th

Advice: Meh

I’m torn. It could possibly go either way, but considering MIB 2 sucked, I’m leaning toward this movie sucking as well. Based on the trailers, I feel as if the writers ran out of idea of what to do with the franchise, so they threw in time travel. Of course. But, I sincerely hope it is a good movie, because Emma Thompson is in it, and she is one of my favorite actresses. I will have to kill someone if her reputation is soiled.

Snow White and the Huntsman

Image

Status: Release June 1st

Advice: See it!

This movie looks incredible. My only complaint is that the filmmakers are trying to convince everyone that Kristen Stewart is the most beautiful girl in the land, and I am not buying it. But the movie looks so awesome, I am willing to subject myself to Bella and her lack of acting skills. While earlier this year Mirror Mirror did a very light hearted and humorous interpretation of Snow White, this movie seems very dark and riveting. There will be CG used, but it seems it will help the story, not try to hide the fact that none exists.

The Dictator

Image

Status: Out

Advice; eeeeeehhhhh

I feel conflicted, because I usually do not enjoy comedies very much. They usually sacrifice stories because their main goal is to make people laugh. So normally I would say don’t go see this movie, unless you do like comedies, I guess. However, I am planning to see it, but that’s because of this blog mainly. Now instead of just seeing movies that I think will be good, I’m willing to see other ones, because if they suck, I can complain about them here for all of you to read.

Brave

Image

Status: Release June 22nd

Advice: See it!

Yes, it is a children’s film, but it looks really good. And this might actually be the long awaited first real feminist Disney princess. That may be too much to hope, especially for a cynic like me, but I am eagerly awaiting this film.

The Dark Knight Rises

Image

Status: Release July 20th

Advice:  go see it (but notice I don’t have an exclamation point)

Unlike most people, I didn’t think Dark Knight was amazing. The only good part of it was Heath Ledger, who obviously will not be in Dark Knight Rises. However, the trailer makes it look very interesting (although I have to acknowledge the villain looks like the villain from The Ninja Turtles). There is potential for it to be great. But I am skeptical.

The Amazing Spider Man

Image

Status: Release July 3rd

Advice: Go see it!

I’m one of those kids who sort of grew up with the previous Spider Man Franchise. I really enjoyed that one (although the 3rd one sucked, Toby McGuire should never have emo bangs, even if it’s trying to make a point). However, I’m getting curious. Apparetly, this new franchise isn’t so much a remaking. It’s a completely different story in which Peter is trying to figure out what happened to his parents. That is something that the previous franchise never brought up, and since I don’t read comic books, I personally would like to know what happened to Peter’s parents (for those of you who do read comic books, please, no spoilers).

Prometheus

Image

Status: Release June 8th

Advice: See it if killer aliens is your thing

My regular reader know why I will not be seeing this film. I am very easily scared and honestly even the trailer is a little too intense for me. But if you like the whole aliens killing everyone just because we can’t think of anything else for them to do, have at it!

Hysteria

Image

Status: coming out May 18th

Advice: Go See it!

This movie is about how in the late 1800’s to early 1900’s, the common treatment for hysteria was a doctor would basically give the afflicted female a hand job. This movie seems as if it will be hilarious but also about important issues in history as well as today.

Death of a Superhero

Image

Status: out

Advice: Go see it

I really want to see this movie and now that I know it’s out I am so excited. The movie is about a boy who escapes reality by believing he is a superhero. The best part: Andy Serkis is his counselor. I love Andy Serkis. I think this movie promises to be great. However, it apparently has only been released in Seattle. Curses.

Madagascar:Europe’s Most Wanted

Image

Status: Released June 8th

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

That is unless you have children begging you to. If not, you have no good reason to want to see this movie. I can guarantee you it will fall prey to SSS, or Sloppy Sequel Syndrome, because all Dreamworks sequels do as the Ice Age and Shrek franchises have already taught us.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Image

Status: Release June 22nd

Advice: GO SEE IT!

THIS MOVIE LOOKS FUCKING AWESOME! I’m probably going to academic hell for saying that considering I received a degree in history just days ago. However, I just really want to see this, because IT’S ABRAHAM LINCOLN, FIGHTING VAMPIRES! And, yes, my friends will all get a chance to laugh as I jump ten feet in my seat 50 times, but I need to see this. So do you.

That’s My Boy

Image

Status: Release June 15th

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

We all though Jack and Jill was Adam Sandler’s career death rattling. Apparently not. How many horrible movies do you have to create before you put people out of their misery? Please, save yourself, and don’t see this film.

GI Joe Retaliation

Image

Status: Release June 29th

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

Yet another sequel to a movie that is all action, CG, and spectacle and no story. I have no expectations for this movie, especially when the end of the trailer brings in Bruce Willis. Does a more type casted actor exist?

Ice Age Continental Drift

Image

Status: Release July 13

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

…for the same reasons I gave for not seeing the Madagascar sequel.

Step Up Revolution

Image

Status; Release July 27th

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

Do I even have to explain myself on this one?

The Bourne Legacy

Image

Status: Release Aug 3rd

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

One of the biggest things that bugs me in movies is when film makers make a bunch of films with one actor and decide to get someone else and pretend we’ll never notice it. Jeremy Renner, you are not Matt Damon.

The Very Best Marigold Hotel

Image

Status: Out

Advice: See it!

This movie has such a star studded cast, I can’t see how it won’t be incredible. Tom Wilkonson, Maggie smith, Judi Dench, I guess it could have too many characters, but I still really want to see it.

Please realize the advice I have given is based mostly upon my own movie taste which focuses on stories and characters. If that’s not up your alley, you probably will disagree with me as to which movies you want to see and labotamize yourself with Michal Bayesque cinema. Have a good movie summer!

Battleship: Proving We Will Never be Free From Transformers

Image

I just watched the Battleship trailer for the first time. Honestly, I thought for a few seconds that I was watching a spoof trailer instead of the real thing. Then I realized it wasn’t, and I laughed while dying inside.

Of course, I can only judge the trailer, which starts out with a romantic dilemma: man in navy wants to marry unidentifiable bimbo, but her father, man’s superior officer won’t let him, and man has to earn his respect. Queue Transformer coming out of ocean. What? Now, I haven’t played Battleship in a long time, but I don’t remember alien ships flying out of the grid. But it definitely would have made the game more interesting at least. Don’t know if it is the best move for a movie however.

And what the hell is Liam Neeson doing in this film? Was The Grey when you pretended to be Wolverine not destructive enough for your career? I still have faith in you, man because of your awesome voice, but you’re not giving me much!

I think I actually figured this movie out. Maybe after insulting Americans by screwing with the Moon Landing, Michael Bay wasn’t allowed to make another Transformers movie, so he posed himself as Peter Berg to slip transformers into the movie and use it as his sequel. Look world, Transformers can swim! I think they would be awesome at water ballet.

So the film industry has gone from making movies inspired by toys to board games. I can’t wait for Hungry Hungry Hippos. I already have the plot that can be accosted by Michael Bay. Hippos of Africa live in peace. And then, Transformers jump out of the Nile, and they have to deal with it by being hungry hungry and eating Transformer ass. I’d see it. I want James Earl Jones as the voice for Bubble Bum, the leader of the Hippos, and Julie Andrews for the voice of his romantic interest.

Sound ridiculous? I think I’ve made my point.