A Guide to Summer Movies

Since I graduated from college on Sunday, the summer has just begun for me. I have started turning my attention to the movies coming out in the next few months that I would want to see and the others that I wish had never been made. And I thought, hey, I have a movie blog which I can use to force my opinion on other people! To that end, I decided to write a post in which I will instruct you what movies you should see so you don’t have to think for yourself. Aren’t I nice?

The Avengers

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Status: Out

Advice: See it!

If you haven’t seen it already, go. Yes, I am ordering you to, and you will thank me for it. Whether you like action, stories, characters, comedy… it’s all here. So stop sitting on your bean bag chair in in front of the computer reading pointless blogs (yes, like this one) and go see it!

Dark Shadows:

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Status: Out

Advice: Meh

I saw this movie a few days ago because I am a Tim Burton fan, but he really disappointed me. Sadly, this movie turned out to be a good version of Twilight. However, keep in mind I have absurdly high standards for movies, so if you just want mindless entertainment, you’ll love it.

Battleship

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Status: Release May 18th

Advice: DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE

Based on the trailer, it seems like Battleship is simply going to be Transformers doing water ballet. I guess if you are a mindless lemming who just gives Michael Bay more reason to jack off with his money, you will probably love this film. For those of us who demand more from their movies than just explosions and CG with no plot, avoid at all cost.

Men in Black 3

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Status: Release May 25th

Advice: Meh

I’m torn. It could possibly go either way, but considering MIB 2 sucked, I’m leaning toward this movie sucking as well. Based on the trailers, I feel as if the writers ran out of idea of what to do with the franchise, so they threw in time travel. Of course. But, I sincerely hope it is a good movie, because Emma Thompson is in it, and she is one of my favorite actresses. I will have to kill someone if her reputation is soiled.

Snow White and the Huntsman

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Status: Release June 1st

Advice: See it!

This movie looks incredible. My only complaint is that the filmmakers are trying to convince everyone that Kristen Stewart is the most beautiful girl in the land, and I am not buying it. But the movie looks so awesome, I am willing to subject myself to Bella and her lack of acting skills. While earlier this year Mirror Mirror did a very light hearted and humorous interpretation of Snow White, this movie seems very dark and riveting. There will be CG used, but it seems it will help the story, not try to hide the fact that none exists.

The Dictator

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Status: Out

Advice; eeeeeehhhhh

I feel conflicted, because I usually do not enjoy comedies very much. They usually sacrifice stories because their main goal is to make people laugh. So normally I would say don’t go see this movie, unless you do like comedies, I guess. However, I am planning to see it, but that’s because of this blog mainly. Now instead of just seeing movies that I think will be good, I’m willing to see other ones, because if they suck, I can complain about them here for all of you to read.

Brave

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Status: Release June 22nd

Advice: See it!

Yes, it is a children’s film, but it looks really good. And this might actually be the long awaited first real feminist Disney princess. That may be too much to hope, especially for a cynic like me, but I am eagerly awaiting this film.

The Dark Knight Rises

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Status: Release July 20th

Advice:  go see it (but notice I don’t have an exclamation point)

Unlike most people, I didn’t think Dark Knight was amazing. The only good part of it was Heath Ledger, who obviously will not be in Dark Knight Rises. However, the trailer makes it look very interesting (although I have to acknowledge the villain looks like the villain from The Ninja Turtles). There is potential for it to be great. But I am skeptical.

The Amazing Spider Man

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Status: Release July 3rd

Advice: Go see it!

I’m one of those kids who sort of grew up with the previous Spider Man Franchise. I really enjoyed that one (although the 3rd one sucked, Toby McGuire should never have emo bangs, even if it’s trying to make a point). However, I’m getting curious. Apparetly, this new franchise isn’t so much a remaking. It’s a completely different story in which Peter is trying to figure out what happened to his parents. That is something that the previous franchise never brought up, and since I don’t read comic books, I personally would like to know what happened to Peter’s parents (for those of you who do read comic books, please, no spoilers).

Prometheus

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Status: Release June 8th

Advice: See it if killer aliens is your thing

My regular reader know why I will not be seeing this film. I am very easily scared and honestly even the trailer is a little too intense for me. But if you like the whole aliens killing everyone just because we can’t think of anything else for them to do, have at it!

Hysteria

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Status: coming out May 18th

Advice: Go See it!

This movie is about how in the late 1800’s to early 1900’s, the common treatment for hysteria was a doctor would basically give the afflicted female a hand job. This movie seems as if it will be hilarious but also about important issues in history as well as today.

Death of a Superhero

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Status: out

Advice: Go see it

I really want to see this movie and now that I know it’s out I am so excited. The movie is about a boy who escapes reality by believing he is a superhero. The best part: Andy Serkis is his counselor. I love Andy Serkis. I think this movie promises to be great. However, it apparently has only been released in Seattle. Curses.

Madagascar:Europe’s Most Wanted

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Status: Released June 8th

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

That is unless you have children begging you to. If not, you have no good reason to want to see this movie. I can guarantee you it will fall prey to SSS, or Sloppy Sequel Syndrome, because all Dreamworks sequels do as the Ice Age and Shrek franchises have already taught us.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

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Status: Release June 22nd

Advice: GO SEE IT!

THIS MOVIE LOOKS FUCKING AWESOME! I’m probably going to academic hell for saying that considering I received a degree in history just days ago. However, I just really want to see this, because IT’S ABRAHAM LINCOLN, FIGHTING VAMPIRES! And, yes, my friends will all get a chance to laugh as I jump ten feet in my seat 50 times, but I need to see this. So do you.

That’s My Boy

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Status: Release June 15th

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

We all though Jack and Jill was Adam Sandler’s career death rattling. Apparently not. How many horrible movies do you have to create before you put people out of their misery? Please, save yourself, and don’t see this film.

GI Joe Retaliation

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Status: Release June 29th

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

Yet another sequel to a movie that is all action, CG, and spectacle and no story. I have no expectations for this movie, especially when the end of the trailer brings in Bruce Willis. Does a more type casted actor exist?

Ice Age Continental Drift

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Status: Release July 13

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

…for the same reasons I gave for not seeing the Madagascar sequel.

Step Up Revolution

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Status; Release July 27th

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

Do I even have to explain myself on this one?

The Bourne Legacy

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Status: Release Aug 3rd

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

One of the biggest things that bugs me in movies is when film makers make a bunch of films with one actor and decide to get someone else and pretend we’ll never notice it. Jeremy Renner, you are not Matt Damon.

The Very Best Marigold Hotel

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Status: Out

Advice: See it!

This movie has such a star studded cast, I can’t see how it won’t be incredible. Tom Wilkonson, Maggie smith, Judi Dench, I guess it could have too many characters, but I still really want to see it.

Please realize the advice I have given is based mostly upon my own movie taste which focuses on stories and characters. If that’s not up your alley, you probably will disagree with me as to which movies you want to see and labotamize yourself with Michal Bayesque cinema. Have a good movie summer!

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Dreamworks Vs. Disney

Dear Squids,

I have been thinking of this topic sort of in the back of my mind for the last few months. Ever since the beginning of the Disney Renaissance which started with The Little Mermaid in the early 90’s, as far as children movies go, Disney has pretty much been unbeatable.

Not lately though. At least, not according to me. I feel like ever since Pixar and Disney paired together, the true Disney movies (aka without Pixar) have been going down in quality. Does anyone even remember Brother Bear or Home on the Range? The Princess and the Frog was okay, I guess, but nowhere near the quality of a movie like Beauty and the Beast. Of course, everyone was so excited when it came out. “It’s the first black Disney Princess! It’s so progressive!” Yeah, until you consider that Disney’s shot at racial empowerment is destitute, lives in a poor part of New Orleans, and is being chased by a voodoo villain. What part of that is not racial profiling? Tangled was a yawn. A few humorous jabs plus one very cheesy song and very predictable events… enough said.

While I know many people will disagree with me, I think even many of the Pixar movies don’t live up to the glory of what Disney use to be. With some exceptions. Toy Story is pretty awesome. And Finding Nemo was great. Other than that, I just don’t find the Pixar movies that memorable.

Compare all this to Dreamwork’s increasing power with funny movies like Shrek (don’t count the sequels), Madagascar (don’t count the sequels) Ice Age (don’t count the sequels) and How to Train Your Dragon. Competing against movies like these, I’ve just started getting the feeling that maybe the once impervious movie titian was losing its touch, and maybe even on the wane, leaving Dreamworks available to become the new champ to rule for a century.

I had that feeling for all of two weeks, until I saw a couple of previews. The first was for an upcoming Dreamworks movie called The Rise of the Guardians. In this film coming out in November, children of the world are threatened by an evil force that wants to rule over them through fear. Holiday figures that we know and love such as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and the Sand Man, all come together to answer the threat and protect the hope of children. This movie looks incredible. Of course, when it comes to previews, I always take it with a grain of salt, because the people who make previews are paid to make these movies look like hits, even if they are not. Despite that, I am eagerly awaiting this film.

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So, at first, I saw this movie preview and thought, “Okay, Disney has just possibly been blown out of the water.” Then, when I saw The Avengers, I caught a preview for a new Disney movie. Brave, a Celtic, feminist adventure, comes out in June. Brave seems to be about a Princess who looks to actually be like a true feminist princess, not the supposed to be feminist because she’s educated and thinks for herself but really not because the prince still save her at the end kind of princess. Although, this we will not know for sure until the movie actually comes out. But I’m really interested in this movie. Reason 1: my own family comes from Celtic roots. Reason 2: I am a woman and really want to see if this is Disney’s first true feminist princess. Reason 3: Based on the preview, it looks all around really good. The humor, the breath taking setting, the music. I really hope it will be as good as the trailer makes it seem.

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Now that it seems that both Dreamworks and Disney have two very potentially awesome movies coming out, now it seems like it’s anyone’s game. We will have no idea until both movies come out in theaters. Until then, I would love to know some of your opinions on the whole Dreamworks vs. Disney score.

And check my Squid clips for the trailers to both The Rise of the Guardians and Brave. Top right hand corner of my blog.