I’m Kind of Scared of the People Reading My Blog

My blog has gained increased traffic over the past few weeks. With that comes people looking at my blog via Google. I have come to acknowledge that some of the search terms are weird, funny, even downright creepy. So, for your entertainment, I’m documenting the most random ones. I’m totally stealing this idea from my dear friend Sara Mosier who has written a post just like this on her blog Shit My Cake Says. Thanks Sara!

If you happen to see a search term listed that you yourself used, don’t worry. I am not judging. Well, actually I am. But reading deprecating comments about yourself is character building! If you think about it that way, I’m actually doing you a favor.

“Squid Raven”

Okay, what the hell is a squid raven, and why is someone looking for this monstrosity? I can only guess that this person is interested in splicing the genetic material of two animals to create one animal. He/she wants to sew a squid on the back of a raven so that the raven can live under the sea with Flounder and Sebastian, and the squid can know flight. Inspired!

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“www.fuck films”

I guess when I wrote my post “The Top Ten Best Mind Fuck Films” I should have been prepared for this.

“Captain America One God”

Okay, I know I only watched Captain America once but I do not recall much monotheistic messages. I could be wrong. What’s the connection here? I can actually argue that Captain America is against Christianity. Chris Evan’s character (I didn’t like the movie enough to actually remember his name) wants to become stronger and hotter. He uses means outside of the will of God to change God’s design. Basically saying that what God provided for him was not good enough. Way to show the world how you really feel… whoever you are. Please note the dripping sarcasm.

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“Abigail Breslin Crying”

Why do you want to hurt Abigail Breslin? She’s a sweet little girl, and you want to see her in pain? You are sick!

“Once upon a time disney book with mary-kate and ashley olsen”

That is just very oddly specific.

“Children and dragons can be beaten”

Beaten with what exactly? I also wasn’t aware anyone was at war with children and dragons. And what a fucked up army that would be. Are the children riding the dragons? And who exactly are they fighting anyway? Its Martians isn’t it?

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“Chuck Norris the Cutter”

My first response is WHAT and my second response is do you mean cutter as in someone who cuts their arm with a blade? I actually kind of hope there is a photo out there with Walker Texas Ranger wearing those emo arm things that cover up your fore arms. Lacy ones with pink ribbons. They’d go well with his eyes.

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“Quills Title”

If this person is asking what the title of the movie Quills is, I don’t know whether I should laugh or cry.

“Sexy old men”

I don’t know what confuses me more: why someone is looking this up, or how they found my blog searching it. Maybe sometimes it is better not knowing.

“Why Blue Eyed People Are Better”

Yay! Nazis are looking at my blog! That was totally my target audience!

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Captain America: Thank God It’s Over

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So I just completely wasted the last two hours of my life. The entire time I was watching Captain America, I found myself thinking, “Why the hell am I watching this movie?” There are certain times in which I enjoy watching bad movies because they are bad in a certain way that makes them very entertaining. This was not one of those times. Captain America was bad in an agonizingly painful would rather be getting water-boarded right now kind of way.

The fifth in the Avenger series came out in 2011 and was directed by Joe Johnston. It is about Steve Rogers (Chris Evans), the wimpy young man who keeps trying to enlist in the army to fight Nazis and keeps getting rejected because he’s…wimpy. However, one day, Dr. Abraham Erskine (Stanley Tucci) sees Roger’s true colors and decides to use him in a super soldier project that uses science to give him muscles and make him sexy. Now that Rogers has been turned into Captain America, he can answer the threat of Schmidt (Hugo Weaving) the crazy Nazi who plans on wiping out the Eastern Seaboard.

I have so many issues with this movie, I don’t even know where to start. I guess, it mainly bored me. I had no emotional connection with it. Even when Rogers was taking the plane into the ocean and he’s talking to his love interest and they both think he was going to die, usually that’s a kind of moment in a movie that makes me cry. Instead I was thinking, “Yeah! Take that sucker down!” I basically just didn’t care, and that ultimately means the movie failed.

What probably annoyed me most though was that the villain was horribly done. It wasn’t Hugo Weaving’s fault. Weaving is a masterful actor, and any role he plays he commits to 100%. The problem with Schmidt became apparent as soon as he took off his mask. Whenever there is a moment like that in a film when a villain shows a gruesome appearance, if it’s not scary or dramatic, it ruins the credibility of the villain. If the Phantom wasn’t gruesome under his mask, the entirety of The Phantom of the Opera would have been ruined. And that is exactly what happened here when Schmidt took off his mask and revealed that he had a tomato for a head. Add some black tattoos and horns and he would have been Darth Maul. Schmidt looked more intimidating with his mask on than with his mask off, because honestly that red head was funny, not scary. I kind of wanted to shove my fingers in hi eyes and use his head as a bowling ball. If your audience laughs at a villain, it ruins the movie.

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There was one specific moment that I really hated. During the climax when Captain America sees the missiles that are meant to hit New York, you see that one missile has the word “New York” in big stupid letters as if ACME created it. There is no way a villain would ever paint the desired destination of a missile that clearly on the side of it. It’s too important to reveal that information for everyone to see. Or was this supposed to be one of those movies where the villain tells the hero his entire plan so that the hero can beat him in the end?

So now I have seen all the Avenger prequels, and I just don’t get it. With the exception of the original Iron Man, they all pretty much sucked, and I find it so strange that you could make a movie about all of them, and it turns out so well. I think I will give that credit to Joss Wheedon.

So, as far as score goes, I give CaptainAmericaa 2 for completely failing to engage me and making Hugo Weaving look like a Power Rangers villain. Nnamdi, if you’re reading this I have lost some of my respect for you. Just kidding. But seriously, how the hell did you like this movie?