A Note From a Dismayed Moviegoer

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Dear Squids,

Ever since I started this blog, I’ve been reading a lot more about movies, watching trailers, discovering what movies are coming out, and stuff like that. Strangely, that has proven to be a very depressing activity. First I discover that James Cameron is creating a sequel to Avatar. Then yesterday I find out than just when we thought the Twilight Saga was at it’s end, an adaptation of Meyer’s other book The Host is also being transferred to the big screen. Yay, another opportunity for Stephanie Meyer to set back feminism 100 years!  And to add the cherry on the sundae, Michael Bay is working on a fourth Transformers to be released the summer of 2014. Kill me now.

I sat through the first Transformers (blame my boyfriend at the time). There was no story to speak of. Just a bunch of senseless action and explosions. But I did love that touching moment in which Shia Labeouf tries so hard to actually be an actor and says “I won’t leave you Bumblebee!” I laughed out loud at the hilarity and also cursed Bay for stealing two hours of my life. And then the credits went up, and around me, the packed audience gave it a standing ovation. And as I continued to sit, asserting my defiance, I couldn’t figure out whether I was going to have an aneurism or just become a cynic. Any of my regular readers will know the later occurred.

You’d think that after insulting American history by screwing with the moon landing and proving that this franchise’s female lead was an expendable bimbo just used for sex appeal (OK, I know we all knew that to begin with, but still) that these movies would be dead. Apparently not. And even though Shia Labeouf himself is not going to be involved, the project is still full steam ahead. Well, of course that’s not an issue. You have no real story, so you have no need for characters!

So come summer 2014, if someone comes up to me and says “Allison, do you wanna see the new Transformers movie?” I’m just going to give them my greatest dead stare until they stop annoying me. Then, hopefully, this franchise will truly be at it’s end. But if Cher has proven anything, it’s that we can never be sure of that.

I See Blue People

My problems with John Cusack that I related in my last post now seem so trivial, so superficial, because i just found out some information that was so soul crushing that nothing compares to it. James Cameron is creating a sequel to Avatar. My reaction: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I should have expected this. Avatar made a lot of money, so of course Hollywood would jump at the chance of making a sequel so they can finally possess enough money to change the constitution and make Arnold president. But I guess I still have a young, idealistic heart. NOT ANYMORE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING JAMES CAMERON?????? WHY? WHY?

I’m sure some people who read this blog will have enjoyed Avatar, They’re everywhere. My own step-father saw it three times and even made sexual jokes about the blue women, which of course made me want to pull my own heart out of my chest and eat it. So please let me explain myself. Avatar has been lauded as one of the most original films ever made. The only thing original about it is the computer graphics, and as I always say, CG does not make a movie. The most important part is the story, and there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING original about Avatar’s story. It’s basically Pocahontas, Dances With Wolves and Fern Gully with tall hippy Smurfs who have sex with their horses. The story is simplistic and predictable. So calling it original is like calling Paris Hilton an ideal role model for girls.

But the idea of a sequel disturbs me even more than when the first one came out and received so much undeserved hype. Everyone knows sequels are worse than the originals because Hollywood knows they don’t have to work as hard because if a bunch of people went to see the first one they will show up for the second one. And if the first Avatar was so bad, just imagine how catastrophic the sequel will be! I’m envisioning great writers of the past, Shakespeare, Dickens, Milton, Plath, Twain, Austen, Ginsberg etc. all rising from the dead just so they can go strangle James Cameron and then shooting themselves because art has been raped, and will never recover. Hollywood, buckling under the enormous weight of its own shit will implode into itself. Keanu Reeves and Ben Aflec will be wading through the rubble screaming “No! We haven’t desecrated  enough characters yet!”

Yes, I realize I’m being melodramatic, but it just shows how much i do not want this movie to be made. It was bad enough hearing nothing but “Have you seen Avatar? Oh my God, you have to see Avatar! Avatar will blow your mind!” for a year when the first one came out. I just can’t go through that again.

But maybe it’s okay. The movie is scheduled to be released in 2015, and if the world ends in December because of the end of the Mayan calendar, I won’t ever have to exist in a world in which a sequel to Avatar is created. I have a chance of being saved!