Scary Movies That Aren’t Really Scary

I was going to do this list for Halloween, but I will be in Korea then teaching English so I foresee being quite busy. But it was a list a really wanted to do, so I’m doing it now. As I have expressed in many previous posts, I am quite possibly the biggest scardy cat alive. I do not watch scary movies. I can’t, because my over-active imagination will keep me awake for weeks, and a girl needs her beauty sleep. So it’s really frustrating when Halloween rolls around and all of my friends want to watch horror marathons and I can’t join them. However, over the past few years I have discovered movies that have either a Halloween theme or scary topic so you can legitimately watch them on Halloween with friends while they aren’t actually scary at all. So anyone else out there who also cannot tolerate scary movies, this list is for you. These are ten movies that will make for a perfect Halloween or scary movie marathon without actually being scary.

10. Stardust

Yes, this is more of an adventure movie, but Michelle Pfieffer pretty much disintegrates into a corpse before your eyes. And it is a really fun, entertaining movie, and you get to see Robert DeNiro be a cross dresser. What more do you want?

9. Twilight

Okay, before you yell at me, let me explain. Twilight or any of its sequels is quite fun if you have junk food, booze, and friends to make fun of it with. And the presence of vampires ties it to Halloween enough to go on the marathon list without scaring you. No, it probably will scare you, but not the kind of way that will keep you up at night.

8. Hocus Pocus

I have never actually seen Hocus Pocus, but I know of enough people who like to watch it every Halloween that I’m confident it would work. Considering that I think its mainly oriented toward children, I don’t think it’s that scary. So if anyone watches it on my advice and ends up having nightmares…oops.

7. Cannibal the Musical

The title of this movie alone should suggest how it connects with scary subject matter. People eat each other. Not exactly zombies, but close enough. And it is quite hilarious.

6. The Corpse Bride

This Tim Burton flick was made in the style of The Nightmare Before Christmas (hey, guess what else is on the list?). It didn’t make a huge impression on me when I saw it, but it’s creepy enough to work but not too creepy.

5. Practical Magic

This movie about witches living in modern society starring Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman is actually a lot of fun, and deceptively creepy at some points. It will make a good addition to any Halloween or “scary” movie marathon.

4. Teen Wolf

I’m busting out a classic. This fantasy comedy from 1985 will have you rolling on the floor with its badly done, well, everything, its over the top contrivance, it’s cheep tricks, and 80’s hair styles.

3. Dracula: Dead and Loving It!

Another vampire movie for you! And this one is made by Mel Brooks, so you don’t have to make fun of it to enjoy it. It’s hysterical.

2. The Nightmare Before Christmas

We all know about this movie. I think it is the only bi-holiday movie. It can be watched for Halloween and Christmas. While it is a children’s movie, it’s a Halloween classic and fun.

1. Young Frankenstein

Ever since my junior year at college, I have tried to create a tradition of watching Young Frankenstein every year for Halloween. I love this movie so much. And it is perfect for those of us who like watching movies on Halloween but not being scared out of our wits. Mel Brooks and Gene Wilder are a perfect combination, and this is them at their best.

Honorable Mention

Shawn of the Dead: I didn’t include this movie because it scared me half to death. But it is very funny, so if you happen to have a somewhat higher tolerance for fear than I do, it will make a perfect addition to your marathon.

The Brother’s Grimm

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Birdemic: Shock and Terror

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close: So, Why Are You so Loud and Close Exactly?

I saw the trailer for this movie a while ago, and ever since then I had been dying to see it. However, I don’t think it has lived up to my expectations.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (I have to say, that title is a mouthful) is a film adaptation of a book by the same name by Jonathan Safran Foer. It was released in early 2012 and directed by Stephen Daldry. It is about Oskar Shell (Thomas Horn), a child who tries to stay connected with his father (Tom Hanks) who died in 9/11 by searching for the lock of a key that he found in his father’s closet.

This was one of those films that after viewing it, I wasn’t really sure about my opinion. In looking up the critical reception, I have discovered a huge disconnect of opinion regarding this movie. It has been hailed as a touching story to condemned as exploiting an American tragedy for Oscar baiting.

Either way I think the film does have some issues. First off, I find it incredibly unrealistic. The premise of the film is that a boy is going on this journey interviewing all these people in New York to find the lock that fits this key. I don’t think any competent mother would ever allow her child to do such a thing. I certainly would not. Oskar’s mother is played by Sandra Bullock, and she tries to explain it by saying “I was scared, but I knew you had to go on this journey.” Yeah, and I’m sure if your child was cleaved in bits with an ax and then thrown into the Hudson you’d feel good about yourself.

And there were quite a few moments of the film that featured hysterical screaming, and it made me feel as if this movie is portraying what the film makers think grief is like, but they executed it in a very over the top, cliché way that I could not connect with.

That said, I don’t have a problem with the subject matter. This is the first film that truly addresses the issue of how 9/11 has affected children. Considering that fact, I don’t think I would label this movie as exploitive. Oscar bait? Maybe, but does anyone make a film ever thinking, “I do not want this film to get an Oscar! I am not a sell out! The Academy Awards is just another opiate of the masses and I will not conform!”?

I also really enjoyed Max von Sydel’s performance. He acted as The Renter, a strange old man who lived in Oskar’s grandmother’s apartment and had lost his ability to speak when he suffered trauma during WWII. While he could not speak, you were always very clear about his emotions. Or maybe I just ejoyed watching him because he didn’t have the ability to scream so he couldn’t be over the top like everyone else in the movie.

So all in all, I give Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close a 5. Although as someone who studied English in college, I have to announce that I loved the scene in which Oskar and his father had oxymoron battles.