A Guide to Summer Movies

Since I graduated from college on Sunday, the summer has just begun for me. I have started turning my attention to the movies coming out in the next few months that I would want to see and the others that I wish had never been made. And I thought, hey, I have a movie blog which I can use to force my opinion on other people! To that end, I decided to write a post in which I will instruct you what movies you should see so you don’t have to think for yourself. Aren’t I nice?

The Avengers

Status: Out

Advice: See it!

If you haven’t seen it already, go. Yes, I am ordering you to, and you will thank me for it. Whether you like action, stories, characters, comedy… it’s all here. So stop sitting on your bean bag chair in in front of the computer reading pointless blogs (yes, like this one) and go see it!

Dark Shadows:

Status: Out

Advice: Meh

I saw this movie a few days ago because I am a Tim Burton fan, but he really disappointed me. Sadly, this movie turned out to be a good version of Twilight. However, keep in mind I have absurdly high standards for movies, so if you just want mindless entertainment, you’ll love it.

Battleship

Status: Release May 18th

Advice: DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE

Based on the trailer, it seems like Battleship is simply going to be Transformers doing water ballet. I guess if you are a mindless lemming who just gives Michael Bay more reason to jack off with his money, you will probably love this film. For those of us who demand more from their movies than just explosions and CG with no plot, avoid at all cost.

Men in Black 3

Status: Release May 25th

Advice: Meh

I’m torn. It could possibly go either way, but considering MIB 2 sucked, I’m leaning toward this movie sucking as well. Based on the trailers, I feel as if the writers ran out of idea of what to do with the franchise, so they threw in time travel. Of course. But, I sincerely hope it is a good movie, because Emma Thompson is in it, and she is one of my favorite actresses. I will have to kill someone if her reputation is soiled.

Snow White and the Huntsman

Status: Release June 1st

Advice: See it!

This movie looks incredible. My only complaint is that the filmmakers are trying to convince everyone that Kristen Stewart is the most beautiful girl in the land, and I am not buying it. But the movie looks so awesome, I am willing to subject myself to Bella and her lack of acting skills. While earlier this year Mirror Mirror did a very light hearted and humorous interpretation of Snow White, this movie seems very dark and riveting. There will be CG used, but it seems it will help the story, not try to hide the fact that none exists.

The Dictator

Status: Out

Advice; eeeeeehhhhh

I feel conflicted, because I usually do not enjoy comedies very much. They usually sacrifice stories because their main goal is to make people laugh. So normally I would say don’t go see this movie, unless you do like comedies, I guess. However, I am planning to see it, but that’s because of this blog mainly. Now instead of just seeing movies that I think will be good, I’m willing to see other ones, because if they suck, I can complain about them here for all of you to read.

Brave

Status: Release June 22nd

Advice: See it!

Yes, it is a children’s film, but it looks really good. And this might actually be the long awaited first real feminist Disney princess. That may be too much to hope, especially for a cynic like me, but I am eagerly awaiting this film.

The Dark Knight Rises

Status: Release July 20th

Advice:  go see it (but notice I don’t have an exclamation point)

Unlike most people, I didn’t think Dark Knight was amazing. The only good part of it was Heath Ledger, who obviously will not be in Dark Knight Rises. However, the trailer makes it look very interesting (although I have to acknowledge the villain looks like the villain from The Ninja Turtles). There is potential for it to be great. But I am skeptical.

The Amazing Spider Man

Status: Release July 3rd

Advice: Go see it!

I’m one of those kids who sort of grew up with the previous Spider Man Franchise. I really enjoyed that one (although the 3^rd one sucked, Toby McGuire should never have emo bangs, even if it’s trying to make a point). However, I’m getting curious. Apparetly, this new franchise isn’t so much a remaking. It’s a completely different story in which Peter is trying to figure out what happened to his parents. That is something that the previous franchise never brought up, and since I don’t read comic books, I personally would like to know what happened to Peter’s parents (for those of you who do read comic books, please, no spoilers).

Prometheus

Status: Release June 8th

Advice: See it if killer aliens is your thing

My regular reader know why I will not be seeing this film. I am very easily scared and honestly even the trailer is a little too intense for me. But if you like the whole aliens killing everyone just because we can’t think of anything else for them to do, have at it!

Hysteria

Status: coming out May 18th

Advice: Go See it!

This movie is about how in the late 1800’s to early 1900’s, the common treatment for hysteria was a doctor would basically give the afflicted female a hand job. This movie seems as if it will be hilarious but also about important issues in history as well as today.

Death of a Superhero

Status: out

Advice: Go see it

I really want to see this movie and now that I know it’s out I am so excited. The movie is about a boy who escapes reality by believing he is a superhero. The best part: Andy Serkis is his counselor. I love Andy Serkis. I think this movie promises to be great. However, it apparently has only been released in Seattle. Curses.

Madagascar:Europe’s Most Wanted

Status: Released June 8th

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

That is unless you have children begging you to. If not, you have no good reason to want to see this movie. I can guarantee you it will fall prey to SSS, or Sloppy Sequel Syndrome, because all Dreamworks sequels do as the Ice Age and Shrek franchises have already taught us.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Status: Release June 22^nd

Advice: GO SEE IT!

THIS MOVIE LOOKS FUCKING AWESOME! I’m probably going to academic hell for saying that considering I received a degree in history just days ago. However, I just really want to see this, because IT’S ABRAHAM LINCOLN, FIGHTING VAMPIRES! And, yes, my friends will all get a chance to laugh as I jump ten feet in my seat 50 times, but I need to see this. So do you.

That’s My Boy

Status: Release June 15th

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

We all though Jack and Jill was Adam Sandler’s career death rattling. Apparently not. How many horrible movies do you have to create before you put people out of their misery? Please, save yourself, and don’t see this film.

GI Joe Retaliation

Status: Release June 29^th

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

Yet another sequel to a movie that is all action, CG, and spectacle and no story. I have no expectations for this movie, especially when the end of the trailer brings in Bruce Willis. Does a more type casted actor exist?

Ice Age Continental Drift

Status: Release July 13

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

…for the same reasons I gave for not seeing the Madagascar sequel.

Step Up Revolution

Status; Release July 27^th

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

Do I even have to explain myself on this one?

The Bourne Legacy

Status: Release Aug 3rd

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

One of the biggest things that bugs me in movies is when film makers make a bunch of films with one actor and decide to get someone else and pretend we’ll never notice it. Jeremy Renner, you are not Matt Damon.

The Very Best Marigold Hotel

Status: Out

Advice: See it!

This movie has such a star studded cast, I can’t see how it won’t be incredible. Tom Wilkonson, Maggie smith, Judi Dench, I guess it could have too many characters, but I still really want to see it.

Please realize the advice I have given is based mostly upon my own movie taste which focuses on stories and characters. If that’s not up your alley, you probably will disagree with me as to which movies you want to see and labotamize yourself with Michal Bayesque cinema. Have a good movie summer!

Thor: An All Powerful Thunder God is Arrogant, I Totally Wasn’t Expecting That

After I saw the Avengers and was confused by a few things I decided to watch some of the prequels I had neglected to see. I started with Iron Man 2 which sucked. Thor wasn’t much better.

The foolhardy Thor (Chris Hensworth), Prince of the planet of Asgard is banished to Earth by his father Odin (Anthony Hopkins) for his arrogance. On Earth, very few people offer Thor patience for his rude ways. Only the scientist Jane (Natalie Portman) is able to trust him, and he finally starts to learn humility. Then he learns his brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston) has betrayed Asgard to its enemies, the Frost Giants, and Thor has to return home to defend his throne.

This movie was fun, I guess. There were definitely some funny moments and Chris Hensworth is incredibly gorgeous. The best part, however was Tom Hiddleston’s performance as Loki. He made a perfect, devious villain, and I am tempted to put Hiddleston in my list of The Top Ten Actors Who Are so Good at Being so Bad.

Unfortunately, that’s where the positive aspects of this movie end. There are quite a lot of difficult things about Thor. The action was too hard to follow. I thought the portrayal of Asgard shallow. It was basically an Arthurian kingdom in the sky, and it seemed like any second Hugo Weaving was going to pop out and say “Gandalf, the ring cannot stay here.” Asgard is an alien planet for Christ sake. Couldn’t it have been provided with some more creative touches so it didn’t seem like a place so close to earth or a creation of Peter Jackson leftovers?

My biggest complaint however is Thor’s lack of character development. In two respects. First, Odin. The major conflicts of this movie happen because Loki learns he is actually a Frost Giant and decides to betray Asgard. Odin reveals this information to Loki, saying that he had intended to hide it from him for all his life. So, why exactly did Odin feel the need to tell him suddenly? Was Loki threatening suicide or Oden’s life? Was Loki suspicious and water boarding Oden? No. The way the movie showed it, Loki was whining about Thor always being seen as greater. Yes, oh mighty Odin. That seems convincing motivation to reveal your darkest secret. Obe Won Kanobe was just going to spill the beans about Darth Vader when Luke started sniveling.

Even worse, the title character of the film is developed as unevenly as Gary Busy’s face. Pretty much 45 minutes of the film is devoted to making Thor look like an arrogant hammer swinging asshole. He’s basically the douche in Super Smash Brothers who gets the hammer and kills everyone he touches. (Queue the appropriate music). And yet, while the movie is supposedly about his redemption, the movie spends more like fifteen minutes to show his transformation. Thor basically goes from hammer-happy douche, to a guy making people breakfast, to a man willing to sacrifice his life in the name of protecting others in ten minutes. Does anyone else not see the flaws in this attempted character arch? This change happens way too fast to be believable. And the audience is never explained why exactly Thor begins to love Jane and her friends and is willing to die for them when just two days ago he was a total barbarian. Like Gary Busy, it makes no sense. The film would have been much improved if it spent more time fleshing out Thor’s change and spending less time making him seem arrogant and foolhardy. Because honestly, put a giant hammer in a Viking’s hand, and that doesn’t take too long to achieve.

So, for Tom Hiddleston and Chris Hensworth’s exquisite abs, I give Thor a 4. I really hope Captain America will be better.

Iron Man 2: Sloppy Sequel Syndrome

I really enjoyed the Avengers, but there were a few things in it that I didn’t understand, and I figured that was because I hadn’t seen some of the most recent prequels including Iron Man 2, Thor, and Captain America. So I decided to watch them. I started with Iron Man 2 mainly because Net Flix has it on instant play.

At least now I get why Iron Man has the glowing triangle on his chest rather than a circle, and also the tension between Stark and Agent Romanoff. So it did clear some things up and give me a few laughs, but I don’t think it was near as good as the original Iron Man or the Avengers.

My biggest issue was all the fast paced people talking over each other throughout pretty much the entire movie. I get that it is humorous, and also works for the bickering relationship between Stark and Pepper, but I think it was used far too excessively in this film, to the point that it was more distracting and confusing than anything else. It made it difficult to keep up with what people were saying.

And I have to mention that terrible terrible scene during the race in Monaco. The particular spot I have in mind is when Pepper comes in the car and Vanko starts slicing it with his electric whips, or whatever. And so they just keep impaling Vanko with the car while Pepper screeches hysterically. Ridiculous in how it looked, just the general idea of it, and how it makes Pepper’s character seem weak.

What I did enjoy was Justin Hammer. There are very few things funnier than incompetent villains, and I think Sam Rockwell played Hammer perfectly. He was hilarious.

For being a mediocre movie at best, I give Iron Man 2 a 3 out of 10. I hope Thor and Captain America are better.