Top Ten Movie Speeches

10. “I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich.”

Actor: Billy Crystal as Harry

Movie: When Harry Met Sally

 I believe this is the best speech of any romantic comedy, which gave it a spot on this list. Everyone who has seen this movie simply knows it as the When Harry Met Sally Speech for good reason. In this speech, Billy Crystal runs through all the reasons why he loves Meg Ryan in a both funny and yet heart-felt enough way to even make a cynic like me go gushy.

9. “What is there to explain?”

Actor: Hillary Swank as Alice Paul

Movie: Iron Jawed Angels

Of all the movie speeches on this list, I would wager this is the one you have never heard of. Iron Jawed Angels is one of the few HBO feature films with some actual quality. It is about how women passed the 19^th amendment. The speech in question is performed by Hillary Swank, playing the true life character of Alice Paul. She gives this speech when she is questioned by a doctor in the mental ward of a prison she is in after picketing a war time president. She eloquently explains her position as a suffragette, revealing that all she really wants are the same thing men want as well.

I couldn’t find a youtube video of just the speech so skip to 5:32 on the video to get straight to it.

8. “If I asked you about art I bet you could give me the skinny on every art book ever written…but I bet you can’t tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel.”

Actor: Robin Williams as Sean Maguire

Movie: Good Will Hunting

Good Will Hunting, an impeccable film, has multiple good speeches, but I think this is the best one. Robin William’s character is speaking to Matt Damon (Will) about how even though he is extremely intelligent, he has really never experienced anything in his life.

7. “You’ll never write well if you fear death.”

Actor: Corey Stoll as Ernest Hemingway

Movie: Midnight in Paris

 Corey Stoll’s great performance as Hemmingway makes this speech unforgettable. It is so powerful and also kind of funny in a very subtle way. The first time I saw this scene, I thought, “I’m not quite sure what he said, but he said it beautifully,” which just goes to show the power of his words.

6. “The Lambs Were Screaming”

Actor: Jodie Foster as Clarisse Starling and Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lector

Movie: Silence of the Lambs

 The power in this speech (and really the whole film) is how the actor’s feed off each other. You have Anthony Hopkins playing Hannibal Lector gazing at Jodie Foster (Clarisse) so intensely, and Jodie Foster respinding with raw emotion as she tells him about her childhood trauma when he came across screaming lambs.

 

 

5.  “My Name is Maximus”

Actor: Russell Crowe as Maximus

Movie: Gladiator

 You all know this rivetting scene, when Maximus faces Commedus with eyes of glaring hatred and completely tells him off in a tour-de-force diatribe that leaves you shivering.

4. “Here’s Lookin’ at you kid.”

Actor: Humphrey Bogart as Rick

Movie: Casablanca

 There was no way I could leave Casablanca out of this list. This is at the end of the movie when Rick persuades Elsa to get in the plain with Victor even though they love each other in the most beautiful scene on the silver screen.

3. “They May Take Our Lives, but they will never take our freedom!”

Actor: Mel Gibson as William Wallace

Movie: Braveheart

I am not a particularly large fan of Braveheart, but I have to admit that this is a very awesome speech. I think that every speech a general gives in front of his troops in a movie goes back to this powerful scene that pretty much every Western man knows by heart.

2.  “And You Will Know My Name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!!”

Actor: Samuel L. Jackson as Jules Winnfield

Movie; Pulp Fiction

Do I really have to explain this one? Come on.

1. “You Can’t Handle the Truth!”

Actor: Jack Nicholson as Col. Jesip

Movie: A Few Good Men

 For the best movie speech, I chose the one Jack Nicolson gives in A Few Good Men. I realize that saying “You can’t handle the truth” is kind of a joke now, but that is only because it is from a very memorable speech that sticks in people’s heads. In this scene, Col. Jesip is explaining the role he plays as a colonel heading Guantanamo Bay. His speech is so intense and deranged that it goes beyond awesomeness. Just watch the clip. it says it all.

Being that there are some really amazing movie speeches out there, please speak up if I forgot some great ones. Or, feel free to argue with my choices!

Scary Movies That Aren’t Really Scary

I was going to do this list for Halloween, but I will be in Korea then teaching English so I foresee being quite busy. But it was a list a really wanted to do, so I’m doing it now. As I have expressed in many previous posts, I am quite possibly the biggest scardy cat alive. I do not watch scary movies. I can’t, because my over-active imagination will keep me awake for weeks, and a girl needs her beauty sleep. So it’s really frustrating when Halloween rolls around and all of my friends want to watch horror marathons and I can’t join them. However, over the past few years I have discovered movies that have either a Halloween theme or scary topic so you can legitimately watch them on Halloween with friends while they aren’t actually scary at all. So anyone else out there who also cannot tolerate scary movies, this list is for you. These are ten movies that will make for a perfect Halloween or scary movie marathon without actually being scary.

10. Stardust

Yes, this is more of an adventure movie, but Michelle Pfieffer pretty much disintegrates into a corpse before your eyes. And it is a really fun, entertaining movie, and you get to see Robert DeNiro be a cross dresser. What more do you want?

9. Twilight

Okay, before you yell at me, let me explain. Twilight or any of its sequels is quite fun if you have junk food, booze, and friends to make fun of it with. And the presence of vampires ties it to Halloween enough to go on the marathon list without scaring you. No, it probably will scare you, but not the kind of way that will keep you up at night.

8. Hocus Pocus

I have never actually seen Hocus Pocus, but I know of enough people who like to watch it every Halloween that I’m confident it would work. Considering that I think its mainly oriented toward children, I don’t think it’s that scary. So if anyone watches it on my advice and ends up having nightmares…oops.

7. Cannibal the Musical

The title of this movie alone should suggest how it connects with scary subject matter. People eat each other. Not exactly zombies, but close enough. And it is quite hilarious.

6. The Corpse Bride

This Tim Burton flick was made in the style of The Nightmare Before Christmas (hey, guess what else is on the list?). It didn’t make a huge impression on me when I saw it, but it’s creepy enough to work but not too creepy.

5. Practical Magic

This movie about witches living in modern society starring Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman is actually a lot of fun, and deceptively creepy at some points. It will make a good addition to any Halloween or “scary” movie marathon.

4. Teen Wolf

I’m busting out a classic. This fantasy comedy from 1985 will have you rolling on the floor with its badly done, well, everything, its over the top contrivance, it’s cheep tricks, and 80’s hair styles.

3. Dracula: Dead and Loving It!

Another vampire movie for you! And this one is made by Mel Brooks, so you don’t have to make fun of it to enjoy it. It’s hysterical.

2. The Nightmare Before Christmas

We all know about this movie. I think it is the only bi-holiday movie. It can be watched for Halloween and Christmas. While it is a children’s movie, it’s a Halloween classic and fun.

1. Young Frankenstein

Ever since my junior year at college, I have tried to create a tradition of watching Young Frankenstein every year for Halloween. I love this movie so much. And it is perfect for those of us who like watching movies on Halloween but not being scared out of our wits. Mel Brooks and Gene Wilder are a perfect combination, and this is them at their best.

Honorable Mention

Shawn of the Dead: I didn’t include this movie because it scared me half to death. But it is very funny, so if you happen to have a somewhat higher tolerance for fear than I do, it will make a perfect addition to your marathon.

The Brother’s Grimm

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Birdemic: Shock and Terror

My Favorite Top Ten Actresses

I have noticed that in my posts regarding actors, I haven’t chosen many females, and as a feminist, it does not sit right with me. To that end, I decided to write a post dedicated to my favorite actresses. This is now a penis free realm. Hos before bros. Hos before bros. And I think you care about my opinion because…well let’s face it. If you didn’t you wouldn’t be reading my blog.

10. Amy Adams

Best Role: Charlene Flemming in The Fighter

Amy Adams is on here because even though she hasn’t done as much work as some of the other women on this post, I think she has a large amount of potential. With just a few roles, she has shown more range than most actors have ever shown in their entire careers. I’m really looking forward to seeing the continued burgeoning of Adam’s talent.

9. Meryl Streep

Best Role: Clarissa Vaughan from The Hours

Meryl Streep has become one of those actresses everyone thinks of when you mention Hollywood. When you watch one of her movies, it seems as if she slips into character as easily as a glove. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie in which she delivers a disappointing performance.

8. Judy Dench

Best Role: Queen Elizabeth I in Shakespeare in Love

So here is where I reveal what a history nerd I am by saying that I love the Elizabeth I performances of 3 of the actresses on this list. The other two are Helen Mirren and Cate Blanchett. But anyway, Judy Dench is always a pleasure to watch on the screen. She always commands a lot of feeling in her voice, plus a hell of a lot of power.

7. Emma Thompson

Best role: Karen Eiffel in Stranger than Fiction

I love Emma Thompson. She acts a wide range, and yet every character she does has this fire beneath it that always makes me come back for more. Although I do have to say I was very disappointed that she chose to act in Men in Black 3. Oh well, I gues she has bills too.

6. Natalie Portman

Best Role: Nina Sayers in Black Swan

I will be very honest. When I saw Natalie Portman’s performance in Star Wars: Episode III, I thought she was a terrible actress. “Anaken, you’re breaking my heart!” She has since redeemed herself in a way I never thought possible. First, she did such a great job in Garden State. She delivered a remarkable performance in V for Vendetta, and kudos to her for still being able to look sexy with a shaven head. Then she was like a bolt of lightening in Black Swan. Her performance in that movie was some of the best acting I’ve ever seen. She really deserved the Oscar she received for it.

5. Helen Mirren

Best Role: Elizabeth II in The Queen

When I saw The Queen, I saw Helen Mirren perform for the first time, and she captured my heart. She did such a powerful performance as Elizabeth II that now whenever I think of the Queen of England, I don’t think of Elizabeth Windsor, I think of Helen Mirren.

5. Angelina Jolie

Best Role; Lisa Rowe in Girl Interrupted

Angelina Jolie is an actress with the remarkable ability to make the audience believe that she isn’t Angelia Jolie anymore, but her character. Say what you will about her being a home-wrecker or that her lips have all the collagen in the Western hemisphere, Jolie is a masterful actress.

4. Keira Knightly

Best Role: Sabina Spielrein from A Dangerous Method

For a while, I had thought Keira Knightley had the potential to be a great actress. Then she did a great job as Elizabeth Benett in Pride and Prejudice, then was astounding in A Dangerous Method. I feel like her career can only keep going up, and I eagerly await her Anna Karenina.

3. Hillary Swank

Best Role: Alice Paul in Iron Jawed Angels

I don’t kow what it is about Hillary Swank, but every movie I see her in I have to watch it either at a movie theater or alone to make sure no one talks during it so I can hear every word, because she commands so much power and passion. Everyone thinks of her performance in Million Dollar Baby, which was amazing to be sure, but in Iron Jawed Angels, she has a speech in which she explains her cause for women’s rights and even though I’ve seen the movie 20 times, I’m floored every time I hear it. As an actress, Swank has the entire package.

2. Kate Winslet

Best Role: Hanna Schmitz in The Reader

I love Kate Winslet so much. Not only is she a great actress, she only takes roles in movies that she thinks are high in quality. And whenever she has photo shoots, she doesn’t allow post-touch-ups. And damn, can she act. There are so many movies that I love mainly because of her presence, and I will basically see any movie if I know she is in the cast. She is that great.

1. Cate Blanchett

Best Role: Daisy from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I’ll admit, I was going back and forth with Blachett and Winslet for a while as to who I’d pick as umber one, but I finally decided it needed to be Blanchett. She is a powder keg. She commits so much to every role that I feel whatever emotion she portrays. For example, if you’ve ever seen Babel, you know her character gets shot while she’s traveling with her husband in Morroco, and the nearest doctor is in a small village. She pleads with her huband not to let him operate on her, and her entire body, her every movement exudes terror. In that moment I was about to cry it was so tense. Her ability of transferring her emotions onto the audience made me put her as number 1. She is in my opinion the best actress.

Honorable Mention:

Kathy Bates

Maggie Smith

Julie Andrews

Jodie Foster

The Top Ten Guiding Characters in Movies

So, what do I mean by Guiding Characters? It’s very simple. I mean male or female characters in movies who look after the hero and guide them through trials, rather they be the journey to Mordor, or a kung-fu competition. I would have called them Wise Old Men, but I incorporated some women, so that didn’t work. These are a few of the characteristics I look for in these characters.

Wise: obviously.

Old: This is pretty flexible. The character does not exactly need a long grey beard. But they do have to be experienced so they can legitimately give good real-world advice.

Teacher and Guide: This is what these characters all do. They teach, aide, and offer advice to the hero. They may not physically guide the hero to a destination, but they at least guide them emotionally.

Power: This one isn’t a requirement. Not all Guiding characters are God, or have magical powers. But most of them have some power that they use to help the hero.

Ethical: All of these characters have a firm sense between right and wrong. They are incorruptible, and they will always work to do what is right. And one of the major roles of the Guiding Character is creating a similar moral compass within the hero.

Friendship: This one is the most important. The Guiding Character bonds with the hero. They usually become great friends, or even establish a father-son dynamic.

Sacrifice: Most Guiding Characters are willing to or actually do sacrifice themselves for the hero. It is usually after this moment that the hero becomes the strongest and triumphs.

10. Mr. Myagi: Pat Morita, The Karate Kid

When I decided to create this list, I knew Mr. Myagi had to be on it. He is the paragon of a martial arts teacher. And for an old man who is sometimes quite hard to understand, Pat Morita put on quite the performance.

9. Professor Xavier: Patrick Stuart, X-Men

Teacher? Check. Xavier is a professor and the headmaster of a school. Power? He can control people’s freakin’ minds. In the original X-Men, Xavier uses this power and his brigade of mutants to help the hero Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) become an X-man and later find answers about his past. This plus his sacrifice (OK, so he doesn’t sacrifice himself willingly and doesn’t die, but those are just details) makes him a prime guiding character. Add Patrick Stuart’s sexy voice, and it’s a win!

8. Lionel Logue: Geoffrey Rush, The King’s Speech

First off, this is one of my favorite movies, and that is mostly because of Geoffrey Rush’s character. To be very honest, I think he, and not Colin Firth (although God knows I love the man) should have received an Oscar. Lionel Logue is an unconventional guiding character. He is not much older than Bertie, the hero he helps. He has no magical power. However, what counts is how Logue is able to help Bertie become the king he needs to be when WWII starts. In the movie (and in history) Bertie and Logue are close friends for the rest of their lives.

7. Mr. Keating: Robin Williams, The Dead Poet’s Society

Another teacher. And as far as inspiring teachers go in movies, I think it’s easy for people to think of Mr. Keating. Although this is another unconventional case, because his hero, Neal, doesn’t triumph, but ends up (spoiler alert) committing suicide. But Keating is still a guiding character, because whether the hero fails or not, Keating still guided him and forged a relationship with him. If you’ve never seen Dead Poet’s Society, stop whatever you are doing right now, rent it, and watch it. And don’t say you won’t just because I gave away the ending. The ending isn’t as important as the journey. Sorry. I didn’t mean to sound so much like a fortune cookie.

6. Galadriel: Cate Blanchett, Lord of the Rings

Don’t let Cate Blanchett’s beauty fool you. As any LOTR freak knows, as an Elf, Galadriel is probably the oldest character in the trilogy. Galadriel helps Frodo. She is not as close to him geographically or emotionally as Gandalf, but she does give Frodo advice, and helps him even when they are miles apart. And I’m sure some of you will argue, “But wait, Allison! Galadriel was tempted by the Ring! She’s corruptible!” Okay, true. She was tempted by the Ring. But so was everyone else, including Gandalf. The important thing is she said no and let Frodo keep it. As powerful as Galadriel is, to be able to see the most powerful and seductive weapon walk right in front of her and let it go, she is probably the most incorruptible character on this list. On top of that, she’s just awesome. I don’t know any other way to say it.

5. V: Hugo Leaving, V for Vendetta

Yet another movie on this list that I love. Some people may be surprised about this choice though, because most people probably think V is the hero of V for Vendetta. V is a hero, but I think the hero of V for Vendetta is Natalie Portman’s character, Evey. The story of the movie follows her more than it does V. V guides Evey, makes her see the problems of the world and how to fix them. And not only do they become great friends, they fall in love. And V even makes the ultimate sacrifice (spoiler alert). He dies at the end of the film for the revolution Evey leads.

4. God; Morgan Freeman, Bruce Almighty

Was there any way either God or Morgan Freeman were going to escape this list whether or not they would be put together? In Bruce Almighty, God guides Bruce (Jim Carey) through becoming a better man. And he’s a great character. If there really is a God, I hope he has this character’s sense of humor. But how can God not have a sense of humor? Case and point: the Platypus.

3. Morpheus: Lawrence Fishburne, the Matrix

I’m sure if Morpheus were not on this list, I was going to receive a bunch of anonymous hate-mail and get bricks thrown through my windows. Morpheus is close to a perfect guiding character, but he’s also a bad-ass. My question to the makers of the Matrix. Couldn’t Morpheus be the main character? I for one found him much more interesting than Neo because of Keanu Reeve’s poor acting skills. But no one listens to me…

2. Gandalf: Ian McKellen, Lord of the Rings

I usually don’t like to put two characters from one movie in the same list, but I had to. And it’s my blog so get over it. Gandalf is one of my favorite characters of all time. He fits my characteristics to a T. And Ian McKellen played him to perfection. All of that gave him a top spot on this list. Gandalf is perhaps second to Merlin the most remembered character in terms of fantasy. And that is for a very specific reason. Everyone loves Gandalf: his wisdom, his strength, and his devotion to Frodo. I think we all wished we had a bit of Gandalf in us.

1. Obi-Wan Kenobi: Sir Alec Guinness, Star Wars

I don’t think anyone can argue with my choice for number one. Obi-Wan is iconic as a guide. He fits every characteristic. he’s wise, old, definitely powerful, and he sacrifices himself for Luke. This phenomenal, memorable character will continue to go down in film history. And if Star Wars hadn’t had Obi-Wan, I don’t think it would have been near as successful. Well, as time has told us, though, there are other ways to ruin Star Wars, like letting George Lucas off his leash.

Honorable Mention

Merlin: Karl Swenson, The Sword and the Stone

Asland: Liam Neeson, the Chronicles of Narnia

William Forrester: Sean Connery, Finding Forrester

Glinda: Billie Burke, The Wizard of Oz

Albus Dumbledore: Ed Harris, Harry Potter

The Top Ten Most Type Casted Actors

Actors that really annoy me to no end are those who play the same character over and over and show no range. I honestly have no idea how some of these people became such successful actors if they can only perform one character. But, then again, what do I know? I am just a young girl wasting her time writing a blog. This list includes in my opinion ten of the most type casted actors in Hollywood. Please let me know if you think I missed some.

10. Chris Rock: the quirky comedic relief who enjoys always playing a racial stereotype

9. Cameron Diaz: the neurotic sex appeal

8. Jackie Chan: The warrior fighting for honor who also can’t speak English

7. Chuck Norris: the southern gentlemen who apparently can draw a square using only 3 lines.

6. Ashton Kutcher: The sexy idiot

5. Adam Sandler: The ugly idiot

4. Matthew McConaughey: The stud you never take seriously

3. Keanu Reeves: the quiet old soul no one can understand who stares off into the distance as if modeling for GQ

2. Samuel L Jackson: The mofo you never mess with. Ever.

1. Bruce Willis: The emotionally distant bad ass who shoots people to relieve stress

A Guide to Summer Movies

Since I graduated from college on Sunday, the summer has just begun for me. I have started turning my attention to the movies coming out in the next few months that I would want to see and the others that I wish had never been made. And I thought, hey, I have a movie blog which I can use to force my opinion on other people! To that end, I decided to write a post in which I will instruct you what movies you should see so you don’t have to think for yourself. Aren’t I nice?

The Avengers

Status: Out

Advice: See it!

If you haven’t seen it already, go. Yes, I am ordering you to, and you will thank me for it. Whether you like action, stories, characters, comedy… it’s all here. So stop sitting on your bean bag chair in in front of the computer reading pointless blogs (yes, like this one) and go see it!

Dark Shadows:

Status: Out

Advice: Meh

I saw this movie a few days ago because I am a Tim Burton fan, but he really disappointed me. Sadly, this movie turned out to be a good version of Twilight. However, keep in mind I have absurdly high standards for movies, so if you just want mindless entertainment, you’ll love it.

Battleship

Status: Release May 18th

Advice: DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE

Based on the trailer, it seems like Battleship is simply going to be Transformers doing water ballet. I guess if you are a mindless lemming who just gives Michael Bay more reason to jack off with his money, you will probably love this film. For those of us who demand more from their movies than just explosions and CG with no plot, avoid at all cost.

Men in Black 3

Status: Release May 25th

Advice: Meh

I’m torn. It could possibly go either way, but considering MIB 2 sucked, I’m leaning toward this movie sucking as well. Based on the trailers, I feel as if the writers ran out of idea of what to do with the franchise, so they threw in time travel. Of course. But, I sincerely hope it is a good movie, because Emma Thompson is in it, and she is one of my favorite actresses. I will have to kill someone if her reputation is soiled.

Snow White and the Huntsman

Status: Release June 1st

Advice: See it!

This movie looks incredible. My only complaint is that the filmmakers are trying to convince everyone that Kristen Stewart is the most beautiful girl in the land, and I am not buying it. But the movie looks so awesome, I am willing to subject myself to Bella and her lack of acting skills. While earlier this year Mirror Mirror did a very light hearted and humorous interpretation of Snow White, this movie seems very dark and riveting. There will be CG used, but it seems it will help the story, not try to hide the fact that none exists.

The Dictator

Status: Out

Advice; eeeeeehhhhh

I feel conflicted, because I usually do not enjoy comedies very much. They usually sacrifice stories because their main goal is to make people laugh. So normally I would say don’t go see this movie, unless you do like comedies, I guess. However, I am planning to see it, but that’s because of this blog mainly. Now instead of just seeing movies that I think will be good, I’m willing to see other ones, because if they suck, I can complain about them here for all of you to read.

Brave

Status: Release June 22nd

Advice: See it!

Yes, it is a children’s film, but it looks really good. And this might actually be the long awaited first real feminist Disney princess. That may be too much to hope, especially for a cynic like me, but I am eagerly awaiting this film.

The Dark Knight Rises

Status: Release July 20th

Advice:  go see it (but notice I don’t have an exclamation point)

Unlike most people, I didn’t think Dark Knight was amazing. The only good part of it was Heath Ledger, who obviously will not be in Dark Knight Rises. However, the trailer makes it look very interesting (although I have to acknowledge the villain looks like the villain from The Ninja Turtles). There is potential for it to be great. But I am skeptical.

The Amazing Spider Man

Status: Release July 3rd

Advice: Go see it!

I’m one of those kids who sort of grew up with the previous Spider Man Franchise. I really enjoyed that one (although the 3^rd one sucked, Toby McGuire should never have emo bangs, even if it’s trying to make a point). However, I’m getting curious. Apparetly, this new franchise isn’t so much a remaking. It’s a completely different story in which Peter is trying to figure out what happened to his parents. That is something that the previous franchise never brought up, and since I don’t read comic books, I personally would like to know what happened to Peter’s parents (for those of you who do read comic books, please, no spoilers).

Prometheus

Status: Release June 8th

Advice: See it if killer aliens is your thing

My regular reader know why I will not be seeing this film. I am very easily scared and honestly even the trailer is a little too intense for me. But if you like the whole aliens killing everyone just because we can’t think of anything else for them to do, have at it!

Hysteria

Status: coming out May 18th

Advice: Go See it!

This movie is about how in the late 1800’s to early 1900’s, the common treatment for hysteria was a doctor would basically give the afflicted female a hand job. This movie seems as if it will be hilarious but also about important issues in history as well as today.

Death of a Superhero

Status: out

Advice: Go see it

I really want to see this movie and now that I know it’s out I am so excited. The movie is about a boy who escapes reality by believing he is a superhero. The best part: Andy Serkis is his counselor. I love Andy Serkis. I think this movie promises to be great. However, it apparently has only been released in Seattle. Curses.

Madagascar:Europe’s Most Wanted

Status: Released June 8th

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

That is unless you have children begging you to. If not, you have no good reason to want to see this movie. I can guarantee you it will fall prey to SSS, or Sloppy Sequel Syndrome, because all Dreamworks sequels do as the Ice Age and Shrek franchises have already taught us.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Status: Release June 22^nd

Advice: GO SEE IT!

THIS MOVIE LOOKS FUCKING AWESOME! I’m probably going to academic hell for saying that considering I received a degree in history just days ago. However, I just really want to see this, because IT’S ABRAHAM LINCOLN, FIGHTING VAMPIRES! And, yes, my friends will all get a chance to laugh as I jump ten feet in my seat 50 times, but I need to see this. So do you.

That’s My Boy

Status: Release June 15th

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

We all though Jack and Jill was Adam Sandler’s career death rattling. Apparently not. How many horrible movies do you have to create before you put people out of their misery? Please, save yourself, and don’t see this film.

GI Joe Retaliation

Status: Release June 29^th

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

Yet another sequel to a movie that is all action, CG, and spectacle and no story. I have no expectations for this movie, especially when the end of the trailer brings in Bruce Willis. Does a more type casted actor exist?

Ice Age Continental Drift

Status: Release July 13

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

…for the same reasons I gave for not seeing the Madagascar sequel.

Step Up Revolution

Status; Release July 27^th

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

Do I even have to explain myself on this one?

The Bourne Legacy

Status: Release Aug 3rd

Advice: DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE

One of the biggest things that bugs me in movies is when film makers make a bunch of films with one actor and decide to get someone else and pretend we’ll never notice it. Jeremy Renner, you are not Matt Damon.

The Very Best Marigold Hotel

Status: Out

Advice: See it!

This movie has such a star studded cast, I can’t see how it won’t be incredible. Tom Wilkonson, Maggie smith, Judi Dench, I guess it could have too many characters, but I still really want to see it.

Please realize the advice I have given is based mostly upon my own movie taste which focuses on stories and characters. If that’s not up your alley, you probably will disagree with me as to which movies you want to see and labotamize yourself with Michal Bayesque cinema. Have a good movie summer!

Child Stars: We Love Them, and When They Screw Up We Laugh

Child stars. All audiences love to go to movies and say “Aaaawwwwww.” And then when the pressure of fame leads to these kids to resort to crack, we love to gossip about them later. I think child stars are an interesting topic. Young children who can act are in high demand in Hollywood, so these cute faces get paid more than Julia Roberts (you know, before she started having to deny her aging). And I believe that girl actresses tend to have longer careers than boys, because as soon as the boys start squeaking, they have lost their charm. So anyway, here are some famous child stars through the ages. Enjoy (unless you are a pedophile. Well, then you’ll really enjoy it, but please don’t).

I have them in three categories. Cutie Phase is when we’re still going “awwwww” at them. The Ambiguous Phase is that they’ve gotten too old for the Cutie Phase but they haven’t seemed to resort to the Crack Phase. The Crack Phase describes once child stars who have declined into notirioty. Drugs, sex, that whole shebang.

Freddie Highmore: Ambiguous Phase

Allison’s Favorite Film: Finding Neverland (but August Rush is awesome too)

I have to say, I think this once little British (I mean that he was once little, not that he’s no longer British) kid was one of my favorite boy actors. He’s sprung up since his August Rush days, and honestly he still looks awkwardly adorable. Apparently however, Freddie does not plan to pursue acting as an adult. Probably a mature decision, but I kind of wanted to read about him doing wild things as an adult actor, like maybe seeking solace with bears after not getting a part in Cheers. Kuddos to those who know what I’m talking about.

Dakota Fanning: Ambiguous Phase

Allison’s Favorite Movie: Man on Fire

I think pretty much everyone in the world knows who I’m talking about. This blue-eyed beauty took the world by storm and quickly became one of the highest paid actresses of all time. While for the most part I have enjoyed her performances, I do have to question her latest move choices. Twilight? And Push? What was this girl thinking? However, she isn’t much of a girl anymore. She is only four years younger than myself, a big 17. Right now she’s attending college at NYU, so then we shall see if Dakota will return to acting.

Elle Fanning: Cutie Phase

Allison’s Favorite Movie: Phoebe in Wonderland

Though not as well known yet as her sister, based on the promise I have seen in her work, I think there might be a chance of little Elle eclipsing Dakota. In fact, while Elle might still be a bit more obscure, she has been in almost as many big name films as her sister, including Babel, and the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I am really looking forward to see Elle’s future in film.

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen: Crack Phase

Favorite Movie: please don’t make me choose

Speaking of sisterly actresses, we all knew this was coming. The twins everybody loves to hate. I actually haven’t heard much Olsen drama in the last few years, so maybe they have finally managed to fade into obscurity. That, or they just became so anorexic that they vanished entirely with a puff of putrid stink. Oh, and remember when they started demanding that they be treated separately in film, and yet they have THE SAME EXACT ACTING STYLE? Yeah, ain’t gonna work girls.

Lindsay Lohan: Crack Phase

Allison’s Favorite Movie: Mean Girls

Speaking of Anorexia. After mentioning the Olsen twins you know Lindsay was not far behind. Lindsay Lohan is notorious for having one of the most laughable career enders in the history of film. Mean Girls was a hit, but after it she starred in a made for TV movie on ABC family (which is of course so well known for high quality) in which she pretends to be pregnant. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Since then, all I know that she’s done in Hollywood are a few unrecognized TV cameos. As a poster girl for the effects of heroin, I don’t think anyone was sad to see her go. What has had her in the public eye most recently was her plastic surgery controversy. But I’m not going to judge her for that. What ever you think you can do to make yourself not look like a skeleton.

Abigail Breslin: At the end of her Cutie Phase, almost ambiguous

Allison’s Favorite Movie: Little Miss Sunshine

Another powerhouse of potential, this now teenage girl can really make things happen on screen. And unlike the Fanning sisters, who have such ethereal appearances on their sides, Breslin is quite plain in reality. The fact that she is able to be just as successful shows how talented she is. I eagerly await to see more from her.

All the Harry Potter Kids: Ambiguous Phase

I mean of course before they started aging much faster than the films were being made. While I’m not the biggest Harry Potter fan, I tip my hat to the filmmakers for their achievement in creating such a successful movie while using a handful of pubescent preteens. I can only imagine all the angst that must have been on those sets. Clouds of Axe and hormones, never a good combination. The only actor that I am aware of who is continuing a career in show business in Daniel Radcliffe, but it has for the most part been in Broadway rather than film.

Shirley Temple: As such a film icon, I will not insult her by giving her a label

There is just no way not to do a list of child stars and not include Shirley Temple. Even thinking about doing so is movie heresy. She is described by IMBD as possibly the most successful child star of all time. She has a freakin’ drink named after her for Christ sake. Sadly, I cannot write much about her, as I have somehow never seen her in a film. This is certainly a grievous error than I must correct as soon as possible. Any opinions of which ones I start with would be appreciated.

Obviously there are more child stars than I featured here. But please let me know if you think I completely neglected someone that belongs. Keep in mind that since this is a movie blog I would only like to feature child stars in films, so no complaining about me leaving out Jaleel White or Keenan and Kel. You have been warned.

The Unkown Avengers: I Want to See Ant Man!

I am one of those people who saw and enjoyed The Avengers even though I have never read a comic book in my life. I’m sure I’m not the only one who thought “So where is Super Man?” Don’t worry, I’ve already been corrected on that score. However, during my internet perusing, I have become very aware that there are many other Avengers that the movie did not even make reference to. So I decided to look them all up and see what the deal was for those of us who, you know, are quite stupid in this area of expertise.

Instantly when I found an entire list I discovered why not all of them were in the film. Short answer: there is almost a hundred of these freaks. A mini series couldn’t deal with them all. So now I’m glad the movie made some limitations. However, in reading some of the names, there were some that were…interesting. I have documented my favorites with commentary below. Here is the link to the complete list if you want to see it for yourself.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Avengers_members

My Favorite Unknown Avengers Based Solely on their Names

Ant Man

I get why this guy was not in the Avengers. Just picture it. “Help, I’m in trouble! Oh look! There! Ant Man! The hero that can be squashed by a finger! He’ll save me!” Having discovered that there is indeed a hero named Ant Man, I now have the urge to go running all over my college campus screaming “Ant Man!” in you know the 50’s super hero voice. Probably because it’s final week and I’m getting kind of wacky

Black Panther

Coming to the rescue with racial pride on his side, it’s Black Panther! But after he gets you off the train tracks he’s going to have to split so he can get to his meeting. Malcolm X cannot be left waiting.

Mantis

Of course. This hero is a sexually objectified female. Why am I not surprised? So she has the power of fornicating and then eating her mates?

Moon Dragon

Yo, Moon Dragon, can you score me some pot? And I know I stole your costume yesterday, but when I wore it to the Avenger drag show it disappeared. But Vision and I are totally looking for it. Anyway, nothing’s wrong with a birthday suit!  Loosin’ up!

She Hulk

Awwwww. Someone Bruce Banner can actually relate to. And he’s such an old sole and has been so lonely. He just needs some good lovin’. I got it. Their wedding can be in Iceland (cause you know, that’s really the green one) and then She Hulk can start popping out little green dudes with anger management issues. Awwwwww.

Thing

So, we’re talking the hand from The Adam’s Family, right? I always thought he could be a super hero. His fingers must be wicked strong after all. He can just jump on  villain’s faces and claw their eyes out—Oh, no? How disappointing. What’s wrong with inexplicably moving independent appendages?

Forgotten One

Who was that again?

Super Patriot

Because Captain America wasn’t enough propaganda.

Triathlon aka 3-D Man

I have to comment on both his alias’s. So, he has the power of running, biking and swimming and pretentiously bragging about it afterwards like a douche? And he also has the power of arbitrarily raising ticket prices and over-stimulating children?

Amadeus Cho

I love this name, because for some reason I am unaware of, I cannot say it with a straight face.

Whizzer

My complete favorite, and the pale yellow costume with underwear that doesn’t leave much to the imagination doesn’t help. I bet I can guess what his power is!

The Top Ten Best Mind Fuck Films

So, I originally created this list about a month ago, but because of movies I have recently seen and other ones that I did not think of at the time, I decided to come back to it and amend it.

Please excuse my language, but I am not being obscene just to be obscene. I feel that these are the only words that appropriately convey the meaning I am going for. What I mean by “mind fuck films” are movies that are hard to pin down what exactly is going on. Even after the extreme twist ending, when the credits role, you remain sitting, stunned in your seat. Your only response is “What?” What I think best characterizes all these movies is that they expose a rift between what we perceive as reality and what actually is reality, and by doing so make us question how we see the world. I believe these are some of the most thought provoking movies, and also some of the most artistic and creative.

10. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

In this imaginative movie, characters quite literally venture into the imagiation of Doctor Parnassus, a man who made a deal with the devil to become immortal at the cost of daughter’s life. This movie has a stellar cast including Christopher Plummer, Tom Waits, Heath Ledger, Johny Depp, Colin Farrell, and Jude Law. The story line is whimsical and innovative, and the acid trip images is enough to get your mind spinning.

9. The Fountain

The Fountain is incredible. It follows three story lines. In the first, Hugh Jackman plays a researcher desperately determined to save his wife Izzi (Rachel Weisz) from her terminal brain cancer. In second story which follows the book Izzi is writing, Jackman plays a conquistador in the New World trying to find the Fountain of Youth. In the third, Jackman is some kind of space traveler who is in love with a tree which is a personification of Izzi. Get that? The 3 intertwined stories all reflect each other in a riveting way. And let’s face it, the more fantastic, sci-fi third story is very strange and at times makes you wonder, why the hell is Hugh Jackman feeling up a tree? But it’s still a great mind fuck movie, and will also make you ball.

8. The Prestige

I promise I’m not including another Hugh Jackman movie because I think he’s hot.I love this movie, and not just because of all the yummy actors. The Prestige is a movie about two rivaling magicians in early twentieth century London. Robert Angier (Hugh Jackman) and Alfred Borden (Christian Bale) have escalated their tricks in response to their rivalry until both magicians resort to drastic measures to outdo the other. The audience doesn’t find out until the end what exactly Angier and Borden are doing, but even after the shocking ending, you are left with the important question, what are people willing to do simply to get ahead?

7. Donnie Darko

I don’t know if I can describe this cult classic 80’s movie’s plot in just a few sentences, but I’ll give it a try. Donnie (Jake Gyllenhaal) is a disturbed teenager who is “visited” by a strange bunny periodically who persuades Donnie to commit a number of strange crimes and also tells him the world is going to end in 28 days. I don’t know how to say anymore without writing another page about this movie, so I will stop there. Just take me on my word that this movie is a total mind fuck.

6. A Clockwork Orange

Unlike most of the other movies on this list, A Clockwork Orange doesn’t have some unexpected twist ending so shocking it dissolves your brain. However, I included this movie because of how it forces viewers to question the world around them plus a slew of philosophical issues. Alex Delarge (Malcolm McDowell) lands in prison due to his sociopathic tendencies and joins a treatment program to get out as quickly as possible. Researchers have developed a way to keep criminals from committing crimes again by aversion therapy. Alex is drugged and forced to watch violent movies for hours on end. After two weeks of this treatment, Alex is physically unable to commit a crime, not because he doesn’t want to, but simply because his body won’t allow him to. I’m sure I don’t need to say anything more for the poignant themes to be extrapolated.

5. Pan’s Labyrinth

I knew this movie was really going to scare me, but I had also heard how good it was, so I forced myself to sit through it. And I was right. It terrified me. I still shudder at the thought of that eye monster thing. But, it was well worth it, because this movie is incredible. It is also a mind fuck. This Spanish movie takes place in Spain after the Spanish Civil War. Ofelia (Ivana Baquero) is a young girl whose mother (Ariadna Gil) has married a powerful yet dangerous man, Captain Vidal (Sergis López). To escape, Ofelia wanders Vidal’s extensive property and finds a large maze where she meets a faun (Doug Jones) who tells her she’s a princess and must complete a few tasks to take her throne. It’s never very clear what exactly is going on in this movie. Is Ofelia actively imaging these things? Or has she lost her grip on reality and truly believes they’re happening? Or are they actually occurring? I think an argument could be made for all three. Either way, this is an incredible movie that everyone should see. That is if they can get through the eye monster without dying from fear, like I almost did.

4. Being John Malkovich

This movie is…odd, but great. Craig Schwartz (John Cusack) is an out of work puppet master who falls in love with Maxine (Catherine Keener) a woman who wants nothing to do with him. Schwartz happens upon a portal into the mind of the actor John Malkovich (played by himself). Through controlling Malkovich’s body, Schwartz gains the confidence to earn Maxine’s love, but not without angering his girlfriend (Cameron Diaz) and Dr. Lestor, (Orson Bean) a man who claims to already possess real-estate on Malkovich’s body so he and a bunch of other old people can be young forever. Yes, it is as weird as it sounds, but it’s a great movie. And a total mind fuck.

3. Black Swan

This movie is a piece of art. And really disturbing. And you will be scratching your head until you’re bald. Nina (Natalie Portman) is a technical ballerina who earns the lead part of Odette in Swan Lake. She isn’t performing as well as her director (Vincent Cassel) would hope. Nina starts feeling threatened by her understudy, a more lively dancer and bolder person, Lily (Mila Kunis). As the pressure mounts, Nina starts losing her grip on reality. I’ve seen this movie twice, and I’m still not completely sure which scenes are in Nina’s head and what actually happens. For a dark descent into someone’s subconscious, some phenomenal dancing, and a mind fuck, see this movie.

2. Fight Club

This movie is incredible in so many ways. Where do I start? The narrator (Edward Norton) is completely disillusioned by the monotony of his life. He starts to feel alive when he meets the articulate and confident Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt). Durden and the narrator become inspired to create Fight Club, a group in which men beat the shit out of each other to feel something real. After a while, Fight Club becomes organized into a an anti-corporate terrorist gang called Project Mayhem. The narrator has to reign in the inevitable domino effect he’s started and fight to control the wild Tyler Durden. I can only think of one further thing to say. What is the only rule of Fight Club? You don’t talk about Fight Club.

1. Memento

When I came up with the idea of creating this list, I knew instantly what my number 1 would be. I think anyone who has seen this movie would agree that there is no bigger mind fuck than Christopher Nolan’s masterpiece Memento. Leonard Shelby (Guy Pearce) has anterograde amnesia. His brain can’t create new memories or retrieve old ones. Leonard only knows one thing for sure because he tattooed it on his body: John G. killed his wife. Through his strange network of tattoos and intensive note taking, Leonard is working hard to find his wife’s killer despite his damaged brain. The movie has a backwards structure. The beginning is chronologically speaking the last event in the timeline, while the end is the first. This allows the audience to somehow experience what Leonard faces. You have to piece information together pretty much every scene. So Memento is definitely not one of those movies you can just sit back and turn off your brain. You constantly have to work to know what’s happening, and even after the end you’re still not quite sure. But it is well worth the effort. Definitely one of the best movies ever made.

Honorable Mention

The Orphanage

Inception

Sucker Punch

Shutter Island

Please let me know if you think I have neglected a fantastic mind fuck film.

Top Ten Actors Who Are So Good at Being So Bad

Dear Squids,

I have no idea how I did this, but even though I originally created this post over two weeks ago, last night I was trying to go to sleep and I realized, holy crap, I totally forgot one of my favorite villainous roles! so I’ve done some doctoring. Sorry Dustin Hoffman. I still love you. Let me kow what you think of my change.

10. Jeremy Irons: the voice of Scar in The Lion King

 

Jeremy Irons’s role as Scar is an animated role, but it definitely deserves to be here. Jeremy Irons has a lovely velvety voice, but if he wants it to, it can sound so vile and full of hatred that it’s awesome. It’s kind of easy to forget that Scar is a talking lion because it has such a powerful performance behind it. And Scar is pretty much as evil as they come. He kills his brother and convinces the adorable Simba that he’s the one who killed Mufasa. And the way the song Be Prepared makes Scar kind of look like Hitler really makes it easy to loath this lowly lion. Yay alliteration.

9. Jason Isaacs: Lucius Malfoy in the Harry Potter movies

I’m not actually a very big fan of the Harry Potter movies (or the books for that matter, go ahead, stone me now) but even I had to admit that these movies have many great villains to offer. Others included Alan Rickman as Snape and Ralph Fiennes as Voldemort, but I only wanted one on this list, so when I asked myself who of this three really made me despise him, the answer was very clear: Jason Isaacs playing the intimidating Lucius Malfoy. Everything about this character makes you hate him, from his icy hair and regard, to his elitist manners. Isaacs just has that something that allows him to naturally purvey this attitude of “I’m the shit and you aren’t and never will be.” And this isn’t Isaacs’s only role as a villain, He was also a deranged British officer in the Patriot and killed Heath Ledger. How dare he?

8. Samuel L Jackson: Jules Winnfeild in Pulp Fiction

Samuel L Jackson has been a bad ass so may times, he’s basically type casted for his bad ass nature. But I think the role that everyone thinks of is the role that made him the bad ass mother fucker we all know and love. I’m talking about of course his role as a gangster in Pulp Fiction. I don’t think any other actor could have delivered his Biblical soliloquy any better. And doesn’t everyone remember his awesome line, “I’m sorry. Did I break your concentration?” Thank you Jackson for being such a hardcore bad ass.

7. Marlon Brando: Don Corleone in The Godfather

This choice might be surprising, considering Don Corleone is a protagonist and not the villain in The Godfather. Despite that, the Don is obviously no saint, and he perfected the art of being bad. He’s a mob boss. You don’t get much worse than that. I’m sure I don’t have to say that his performance as the Don has gone down in cinema history. Because of that, he has won a prime spot on this list.

6. Andy Serkis: Golem in The Lord of the Rings Trilogy

 

Golem is another animated character, but Andy Serkis was much more than the voice. Serkis inspired many decisions about Golem and the way his animation went. And I believe Golem was such a success. He is the most interesting chacter in the trilogy, and he’s animated. And most of that is because of Andy Serkis’s killer performance. Everyone remembers that incredible scene in The Two Towers when Golem is talking to himself. But its also very easy to hate Golem. When he becomes an obstacle first between Sam and Frodo’s friendship and later for the destruction of the Ring, you just want him to die. When I saw the Return of the King in theaters, when Golem fell into the lava, everyone cheered. Okay, so they were probably cheering because the ring was getting destroyed. I was cheering because Golem was finally dead.

5. Malcolm McDowell: Alex Delarge in A Clockwork Orange

Deciding whether or not to include this actor was not a hard decision at all. Alex Delarge is pretty much a sociopath who doesn’t care about hurting people or even murdering them. And Malcolm McDowell pulls this character off so well. The beginning of A Clockwork Orange, the camera just slowly goes closer and closer on McDowell’s face for 3 minutes, and his face is set in such a way that it is so full of hatred and rage that it makes your skin crawl.

4. Heath Ledger: The Joker in Batman: Dark Knight

Heath Ledger’s amazing role of the Joker in Batman Dark Knight put him here. Now, I did not think Dark Knight was as incredible as everyone said it was. I my opinion, the best thing about the movie was Heath Ledger’s role. He just exuded evil. He terrified me. Now, terrifying me is a very easy achievement, but still. I feel sorry for anyone who has to play the Joker in the future, because I just can’t see anyone topping his performance. Strangely, I said the same thing about Jack Nicholson’s performance as the Joker. But this one surely can’t be beaten.

3. Anthony Hopkins: Hannibal Lector in Silence of the Lambs

 

I’m sure everyone can understand why I put Anthony Hopkins here. His character bit off someone’s freakin nose! But more than that, Once you see Silence of the Lambs, it is so hard to get his performance out of your head. It’s everything. His haunting voice, how he carries himself. He almost pulls you in the way he is able to pull in Clarisse. You can’t say that of many other actors.

2. Joaquin Phoenix: Commodus in Gladiator

Gladiator is one of my favorite movies despite the fact that it is obscenely historically inaccurate. Anyway, one of the main reasons why this movie is so good is because of Joaquin Phoenix’s amazing acting in his villainous role of Commodus, the corrupt Roman emperor who wants to dissolve the senate, steal power from the people (it’s Rome, they don’t have much power anyway!) and have sex with his sister. Pretty twisted stuff. Even when he’s not screaming in his sister’s face, he is just so awesomely bad, especially when he becomes an albino at the end. Phoenix is an incredible actor, even considering that he went crazy and decided to become a rapper, but apparently, that was just for an acting role too. Just shows you how dedicated he is.

 

1. Christoph Waltz: Hans Landa in Inglorious Basterds

Anyone who has seen Inglorious Basterds most likely agrees with my choice. Christoph Waltz is the best evil actor I have ever seen. If I ever meet him in person, I will have to resist the urge to kick him in the balls simply because he is so awesome at being evil  He makes you hate him with every fiber of your being. You hate his role so much, you almost enjoy it, which is something I have never experienced before. It’s quite incredible. Waltz definitely deserved the Oscar he received for his performance.